New Place

Not a lot has happened over the last few days..
Been at work looking at houses to move into next month, found some really good ones too! :)
My parents have been really supportive and helpful so that's great, my dad is coming up to see me next week and look at houses for me because I'm stuck at work too much to actually go see anything myself. 
Started saving properly for if I decide to go private for T.. Something to look forward to at least..

Update

Been a little while since I posted so thought I'd give an update.
I've been hanging out a lot with another transguy and we get on really well :) We have a hamster cage building project on the go and I'm finding it really useful to be able to be open about random trans issues that other people don't understand.
Sunday - Did NOTHING.. Watched simpsons.. played playstation.. It was amazing to have a day off everything but it was horrible! Sundays suck for boredom! I had nothing to do, I have no idea how people live without work! I had plans to go to a BBQ but it was postponed due to bad weather.
Monday - Went to the metrocentre and got bought a build-a-bear bear (called JeremyBear) which was good fun. Then went walking out in the country.. Was nice but the weather was pretty crap with the wind being ridiculous. Although that meant that we could hold our jackets over our heads and almost get airborne! Was a good day anyway, to a point.
Information for anyone that cares. Me and my girlfriend have split up, it was amicable and we are still friends. Any more details than that really aren't anyone else's business so don't bother asking.

Rapture

I was thinking last night, if I died today.. The world would legally remember be as my birth name :(
So I have decided not to die until I legally change my name so my parents would have to recognize it. Just so you know, I have no intention of dying anytime in the next 60 years and plan on being a proper grandpa with a stick that shouts at the youth of the day, especially when trying to use public transport.
So, this whole "rapture" bull shit.. I can't understand why anyone believes it full stop, but especially from a guy who has said this so many times before and not got any of it right yet! He has been found to be and idiot on countless occasions and there are genuinely some people who believe at 6pm the rapture will occur.. Just so you know, apparently God is taking into account how inconvenient it would be for us if we were unsure of the time, so he is being considerate and will be following our modern time zones.. How nice..
Also, have you seen how this guy has worked it out to be today? It is simply a case of take any number, make it mean whatever you want and then add, multiply and subtract in any random way possible to make a number you're looking for! Lucky as well that the bible set it out to be worked out using modern numerical systems.. 
Ok, rant over, just thought it was ridiculous..
I'm at work again today but have tomorrow and monday off so be nice to chill out and sleep a bit :D
Been very stressed lately and I'm so looking forward to going to download with my sister!!! Apparently a few of her friends know about me and the rest, I will just intorduce myself as I please and either let them work it out for themselves or stay a bit stealth :D Excited much?! Very.. AND I get to see my sister who I don't see nearly enough.. And it'll be outside the usual boundaries of our parents so she can call me Tom and neither of us be worried about hurting our parents.. 
PLUS some awesome music! Man I'm excited!!!!!! woooooooooooo

Sleepy..

I'm on a bit of a downer today.. Still really happy with what happened with my boss, still not heard anymore about it.

I'm tired as hell :(

Had one of the lads round last night as well as my girlfriend, I made dinner.. Food is good :P

So I'm pretty happy with that, we all chilled out in the living room with a couple of my housemates and friends, all good. Was nice for my girlfriend to meet another transman and just nice for me to chill out too. Work is stressing me out thanks to there STILL being no water.

Went to blockbuster last night and realised just how many little things I'm going to have to change my name on. I think for things that don't matter so much (tesco clubcard, blockbuster etc.) I might just start new accounts and let the old ones be forgotten rather than try and change them. I have a full on plan of action for when I legally change my name.. I've got so much that I have my name on and never even thought about!

The obvious ones:

Passport, Drivers licence, Car registration, Insurance, Work, Banks

Less obvious:

Phone bills, Water bills, Gas & Electric bills, Tenancy agreement, Council (for voting), Tax office, Student loan, Tesco card, Nectar card, Blockbuster, Game card, Doctors, Dentists, TV Licence.. 

Can't think of any more right now, but I'm sure there will be. If I think of anything else, I'll add it on later. My brain is too tired to function just yet

Still on a high

I'm still feeling really good from yesterday :D Haven't heard any more from my boss but I didn't expect to yet, going to give her a few days to gather information.
This morning hasn't been great.. Started great, I had some really good dreams last night and woke up in a great mood, I always dream as a guy, whenever I see myself in my dreams I'm taller, more muscular and tend to have stubble lol. When I actually woke up though, at 3.43am, I was convinced I'd overslept so I panicked and stressed until I realised it was still sleep time and went straight back to sleep. Same thing at 4.10am.. Again at 4.52am.. Again at 5.15am when I just gave up and got up. I was really thrown by how light it was this morning. Then the usual issues with showering, it's getting worse. I feel like I hate being naked, when I'm dressed, even just in PJs, then I can imagine that I am in the right body and I almost forget that I'm not. I can't avoid it at all when I'm showering.. 
Spoke to another transguy a couple of days ago about getting the implant, I've had one in for the last 5 years (obviously had it replaced after 3) and I don't know what I'd do without it! I can't imagine having a horrible reminder every month. I've never really been able to deal with that :(
Been really good lately to have another guy to talk to about all the random stuff that you can't tell anyone else. Also just swapping hints and tips with each other and just stories too, it's been good.
A weird thing has been happening lately. Is it possible to increase your natural levels of testosterone by thinking about it? I know that sounds ridiculous.. But I have never been spotty at all and recently it's got crazy (for me at least). My appetite has increased even though I didn't think that was possible! All sorts of things are happening that just don't make sense but I think I'm doing it to myself with the power of thought. That or someone is injecting me in my sleep, if you are.. thank you :P
Wow.. I'm crazy, time to go I think!

More about work

After posting earlier, I touched up the letter I wrote and actually sent it to my boss. The next 5 hours or so were full of genuine panic. Literally 5 hours of pacing, sweating, regretting sending it, thinking about hacking into my works software to delete the email.. Every possibility went through my mind. I was convinced I was getting fired and even looked into how to start proceedings with court. Actually insane. 
So my boss replied about half an hour ago. I don't think I've sat down since! SO HAPPY!! 
It wasn't massively positive but more cautious on her part, which is understandable, probably has to look up protocol and laws etc.
She said, 
"*Old name*/Tom  this is something I would have to look into.  I do know people who have decided to use a different surname.  I believe as long as it's not to deceive it can be done.  I will look further into this and get back to you.  I do understand your wish to wait to be introduced at a different site when you choose to be known as Thomas James.  I will get back to you when I have more information."
I really appreciate that she is holding off moving me to a new site and is looking into stuff for me :D 
I'm so goddamn happy! Words cannot describe! It's like a WHOLE weight off my shoulders, I may have made it into a bigger deal in my head..
I am one step closer, I'm honestly buzzing. Beaming from ear to ear!
I had more to say in this post but I feel like this has taken over my brain and to be honest, I don't want to think about anything else right now anyway! 
Hope everyone else is having a day as AWESOME as mine is now!

Work

Today is actually an interesting day at work! I think it's the first ever.

The water has been shut off to my building so I'm dealing with that, all fun and games.

I spoke to my boss this morning about the water thing to keep her informed but she said that she plans to move me to a new permentant site next week. Although this is AWESOME with a proper work rota so I know when I'm working more than a week in advance.. I'm a little worried about starting a new site with new clients as female and having to come out to everyone later. I figure this is the kick up the bum I need to tell my boss about my transition. I have written an email but not sent it yet essentially saying whats going on and that I would like to be introduced as male on the new site and if that means delaying my move to the new site, I'm ok with that. Also asked her about things like my SIA licence and also uniform as I currently have to wear womens :(

I sent my mum the link to this blog yesterday (hi if you're reading this :) ) which was scary.. I get very worried about trying to bring up this topic of conversation because I know it upsets both my parents and I hate upsetting them. My mum said to me this morning that she started reading it but felt like she was imposing and that she felt like she was reading my diary. My family have always been very good with privacy so I can understand where my mum is coming from with that.  I am aware that everything I write goes on the internet so is public so I do not write about anything that I don't want people to know about. I think my mum is beginning to see how serious I am about this but I have to learn to be more patient and give her time. It's hard to remember that they have only had a few months to think about this where as I have been wrestling with it for years. 

It is my grans birthday today so I rang her this morning, she is completely unaware of my transition and that is the way that will stay. I have no intention of worrying my gran with this. When I rang it was SO difficult to say my old name though, I find that because I see myself as Tom and use my chosen name so much more than my birth name, I forget to change back when talking to family. I managed though without mistake which saved some awkward questions! 

My sister and I are going to download this summer :D and she is trying very hard to call me Tom and refer to me as male so I appreciate the effort from her and so looking forward to going away with her and have some bonding time. I feel like I miss out on a lot living 200miles away from my family. 

Anyway.. That is my morning so far, shocking how much can happen if you wake up at 5.30am :P

Mental couple of days

Ok, I haven't blogged for a while but I've been too busy/knackered. (sorry!)
Nothing exciting happened until Friday when I had people round and made lots of plans, sorry for how vague that is but it took hours and was quite enjoyable so it needs to be said. 
Saturday morning I went to the Metro Centre and shopped like a beast, bought loads of clothes and feel more confident than ever. I think I've found my style :D basically shirt and jeans, I love shirts, I think they make it easier to pass but mainly just make me feel and look good :). Passed all over the place while shopping :) I don't even think about it as much as before!
In the afternoon, I spent time with my amazing girlfriend before rushing round like headless chickens trying to get ready for the ball in the evening. The ball was pretty good, my old friends who had graduated and moved away came back to Newcastle and was great to see them, they all accepted the change and called me by my chosen name with the right pronouns, very few mistakes actually which was really good! Some of the other people at the ball were staring and I could tell I was being spoken (bitched) about but ti be honest, it's expected and doesn't really bother me that much. I don't associate with them and I don't care what they think. 
Sunday was pretty damn good too! Did some more clothes shopping with the mrs and got more shirts. Had quite a nice lazy day other than that, was feeling pretty run down from the excitement and worry of the night before. 
On Monday morning, I went to see my GP who is awesome, really helpful. I really only went for a general check up to keep each other updated about stuff. I spoke about the ridiculous waiting list for the GIC and said I'm thinking about going privately to get hormones. Asked her about a shared care agreement and if the guy in London said I was allowed T then could she do the bloods and prescribe etc so I don't have to pay too much. She said she will get in touch with Dr. Curtis and Dr. Lorimer and find out what the crack is. My doc said she was happy to do it and the only thing it would depend on would be follow up help from the docs in London, for example when she does blood tests, what is she looking for and how it affects the dose I should be on. Basically, it's looking very promising on that front! Still waiting for my parents to get a bit more used to the idea of it so I can change my name officially and tell work. I feel like I'm in limbo the more I wait to get it sorted.
After seeing the doc, my girlfriend and I went into town and it was really good, pretty sure I was passing a lot then too, I still get the odd funny look of "I don't know what you are.." These looks make me laugh, like the person in a random shop needs to know my gender to serve me!! Still the looks are getting rarer. I think having my stunning girlfriend on my arm helps :P
That afternoon I took my best friends to the airport, did you know, if you just drop someone off at an airport and I mean literally.. Drive in.. Chuck out.. Drive off.. You have to pay?!?! It was a whole pound!! Rip off. other than that, nothing excited at the airport lol.
Yesterday evening was a TT meeting. Good to see people and chat about stuff that no-one else understands. Then curry and bed :D
Today is back to work and back to the boring life I tend to lead instead of the excitement of the last few days. 

Boring

Another boring day really.
If there was ever any doubts about me being male, they've completely disappeared since I do not understand women. Not even a little. I'm not about to put up information about my relationship on the internet so all I'm going to say is I am one confused as hell guy. 
I'm still feeling seriously ill but couldn't face ringing in sick again so I'm back at work.. 
Today I've just wanted to run away, leave everything. Forget about everything and everyone, just leave and not come back. Would make everything so much easier for everyone else. Feeling sorry for myself is clearly the way forward today. I give up

ILL!

Well today I have bee massively ill.. I've slept ALL day and still feel rubbish. 

Yesterday was the rugby match and it went really well. Most people already knew, noone seemed to have any problems with accepting me and quite a few people tried really hard to call me by my chosen name and it was really nice. :D One girl even said I was a "proper gentleman" :D Awesome!

Anyway, I'm too  ill to remember other things that have happened. Going back to bed 

Night

Not a lot..

So really nothing has happened lately.. Been at work (as per) and not had a lot go on..
Last night was just a chill out night with nothing special lol.


Wrote birthday cards to my mum and gran today (the birthdays are later this month but I'm organised :P) signed them off with my birth name to keep the peace really, it's their birthdays so no need to add stress to them on their days. 


Got a rugby match tomorrow, possibly the last one ever.. It's "old girls" where people who used to play for my old uni team go back and play against the current team. I'm seriously worried about how people are going to take it. I know most of the current team know about me but a lot of the old girls I don't talk to so have no idea. I don't want the hassle of breaking it to them but want them to know. I'm thinking about arriving fashionably late so all the questions/discussions/bitching can be over with before I have to turn up. I want to play and I'm excited to see everyone, just worried lol. I've said if anyone has a problem with me playing then I wont and it's fine. 


Anyway.. Got stuff coming up but nothing happened recently really..

Tired..

I'm at work.. for a change and I am absolutely knackered! Don't know why, I got a good nights sleep last night. I think I just have a backlog of tiredness to sleep out, one night wont do it lol


Got mixed rugby touch tonight but don't think I'll be able to go, with it being 30miles away and starting before I finish work, I'd be late even on a good day but I want to go and vote after work.


No real news on anything trans today, I got holiday from work to go to Download festival (AWESOME) so been thinking about the logistics around camping with thousands of other people.. I've not been able to use a urinal in front of people yet, I don't have an STP packer but do have an STP.. I'm hoping that in the month I have left I can build up a bit of bladder confidence lol 


Sorry if that's a bit too much info :/


Work is ridiculously boring but I'm busy doing plenty of other things! Trying to fix an ipod and failing, I've replaced the battery and at least I get a picture on the screen but it doesn't want to charge and the only picture I can get up is a dead battery screen :(


Anyway.. best get back to the million things I have to do today

Progress

Today has been another up and down day. I spoke to my mum a lot today, my sister is getting married soon and we were discussing what I will be wearing. My mum was very supportive of me wearing a shirt and tie which is nice and even helped me internet shop over the phone :) Definite progress! I wish she could try and call me by my chosen name but I understand that it's still to hard for her. She called me my birth name but with a hesitation so I'll take that for now! lol

I saw some really nice shirts and can't wait to get paid to go and bulk out my wardrobe a bit more. I need to have a big sort out of my clothes and room soon I think. Get rid of all my old stuff :)

Spoke to my boss today, not about being trans, she still doesn't know, but about my new contract coming through! Can't wait, once I'm actually contracted I will have a bit more job security for when I do tell her. My boss is looking to move me to a new building and I think that would be the perfect time to start fresh as Tom. All I have to do is get my boss to understand :/

Sorry if this is a bit scattered, I've forgotten loads I wanted to say but I'm currently trying to contain 3 very over-excited hamsters :/ 

Back to work

Today is one of those wonderful days when my alarm went off and I just din't believe it. When you wake up and just think, "No.. Thats not right.. It's still sleep time!" So the working week is upon me again and I'm genuinely unimpressed lol. 


Yesterday was a weird day, I was very unsettled, couldn't sit still and something inside me snapped which induced a giant cleaning session. I think that was just because I'd had a whole two days off and didn't really know what to do with myself. We didn't end up camping over the weekend but had a good time anyway then came back to the comfort of an actual real bed! 


I had a bit of a moral conflict yesterday due to the death of Osama Bin Laden. The way I've managed to rationalize it so far is that while I am very happy that the leader and figure head of a terrorist organization has been removed from power, it doesn't sit right with me to "celebrate" the death of another man, regardless of how evil that man was. I am glad that America have (supposedly) respected his religion and buried him within 24 hours of his death. Other people have said that it was wrong and they should have kept his body for identity checks. As long as they have taken enough DNA and pictures etc then I think conforming with religion was a very good idea. To deny a man his religion, even in death is a breach of human rights. We are condemning this man for taking away thousands of people's human rights, the right to live and also the right to live without fear. To deny him his last rights of burial would be dropping to his level. It is my opinion that the world is not a "safer place" as some politicians have been saying, I imagine there will be quite a large retaliation. You can't expect to shoot the figure head of a violent organization without back lash. Ok, I'm done with politics now!


I tried Lebanese food for the first time last night, turns out I'm really not a big fan. :/ 


I'm quite looking forward to going home tonight, my girlfriend is staying at mine while I'm at work and I'm excited to see her as soon as I get in :) It's going to be lush :D

Today is a good day

Last night/today has been.. interesting..


Last night I met my girlfriends cousin (14yr old boy) and he didn't know anything about my past. When he overheard my girlfriend chatting about me going to London to get hormones, he instantly asked why and my girlfriend very cleverly said that I'm just a guy that doesn't produce enough testosterone. This is true and a very good way to look at it really :D. When I met him, he completely read me as male and I saw him all today with no problems at all! It's great to not have to worry about it and just be known as male from the start.


I went to a BBQ today that was at a rugby 7's tournament, it was with my old rugby team who are all very supportive (the ones that were there today are at least!). So being referred to with the right pronouns and called the right name feels so right. There were a couple of slip ups but very easily smoothed over and no one really noticed :D


So no mishaps at all really over the last couple of days. I met a few people for the first time today and they didn't even look twice before just reading me as male straight off.


I think the day was so good as well though because of the sun! Everything seems so much better when the weather is good! 


So basically, today has been awesome and really relaxing. Plus I have tomorrow off too! :D