Downer

I'm feeling really miserable so I can't imagine this post will be a happy one, I'll try lol
I'm getting ever more nervous about rugby to the point I'm considering backing out, I want to play so badly but at the same time, I like my limbs and can't face the rejection really. If I'm honest, it's all about the rejection..
I can't help but feel like the world is moving on without me, I feel so stuck in limbo. I really want to change my name and move forward but if anything it's like I'm moving back instead. 
I got up at 12 today (god knows why) after night shift last night and had an epic day of cleaning, managed to get the sticky shit off my windows using white spirit and deep cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, felt pretty good about having done it tbh. I like my flat, I like taking pride in it :)
I'm on night shift again tonight and I think the lack of sleep/caffeine could be whats making me down but my problem is that lack of sleep makes me down and me being down stops me sleeping :( Bad cycle.. 
I thought a little more about stuff in general.. Binding is becoming insanely painful so have stopped binding so much at work,  it's annoying because I don't feel comfortable emotionally without binding (outside the flat obviously) but can't stand to bind for 12 hour shifts anymore. Like I said before, I feel like I'm in limbo. 
Contemplated running away today, not seriously just for a few days to get back in touch with myself really. Been thinking about it for a few days, just pissing off, driving somewhere and pitching my tent. Turn the phone off and basically just cease to exist for a few days.. I hate performing for people, being happy because someone says I should be or to stop other people being uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Happier than I ever was as female that's for sure. It's like I've been given a taste of what could be but then never actually allowed to have it. It's really hard as well to see others move faster, with more accepting families or with worse families that they don't mind so much going against.
I love my family, and they love me, I can't complain, they only worry because they care but I can't help but feel like I'm being held back. I wish they would come on board a little. I have told work I will change my name in September and I really want to, I just have no idea how to approach this with my mum.. Argh I feel so messed up..
Sorry this is such a downer, just needed to get some stuff out..