OH EM GEE

Must be fast as lots going on here tonight, sorry it's been a while (should be my default first line!)
ANYWAY..
My mum called me Tom today.. like 3 times!! :D :D AMAZING
been an awesome day for that :D
plus I got my hair cut which is always good :)
so yes, very happy about that!
Quick catch up -
living at home now with mum and dad for 6 weeks as the break did need operating on, had the op Sunday 31st July (4.30pm-ish) got 1 screw bone to bone, a plate and 6 more screws holding the plate in place.. cant wait to see the x ray of it now!
I'm in a cast for 6 weeks and can't do sweet FA so just sitting around on playstation..
let me know if I don't already have you on the playstation thing.. I'll add you 
Night

Leg :/

I know it's been a while and I'm sorry, I can't catch up on everything because most of it, I've forgotten :P
I'm writing to you now from a hospital bed! I broke my leg (falling over) and they're keeping me in until they decide if they want to operate or not.. It's looking quite likely that they will! D:

The problem is the pointy bit of bone (the top half) that is broken and now rudely poking my ankle bone, if the swelling goes down and it moves away, all will be good, if not, then it'll need pinning and stuff.. So yeah, I'm in hospital because I'm a fool :P They had no idea which ward to put me in so I get my own room :D I told the nurses and doctors I want to be known as Tom and none of them have a problem with it :D So that's all good on that front! 
All my friends have really pulled together over the last couple of days, from answering my crying plea at 11pm when I was lying outside my front door to carrying meup and down stairs, waiting hours on end in A&E, driving me back to the hospital, waiting again for hours, bringing me my favourite foods, and a teddy, and nuts magazine, and puzzle books, goin to my house and bringing me clothes and laptop, giving me money for the extortionate TV in here and most of all, giving me support and company :D (and much more I cant be arsed to mention)
My friends are AWESOME :D
I really appreciate it guys :D
It's the little things that I miss about having 2 functioning legs.. Like stability when brushing your teeth.. being able to pull your trousers up without resting your body weight through your head on a wall! LOL! If anyone was to watch me get dressed this morning! was a right sight.
My phone is completely fucked over, It's saying it's in airplane mode and no matter what I do, I cant turn that off! I've taken the battery out, restarted it, played with all the settings.. airplane mode wont go away.. plus my phone keeps restarting itself ever half hour or so, im just letting it now.. So for a bit, I'm phoneless but going to get the old festival phone out so at least I can ring and text! :D need to copy over numbers actually, might start writing them down now, not like I dont have enough time!
Trying to think of other things to say but my mind has gone blank.. No doubt I'll be on later, considering I have so much time to kill!

Hey, since last time I posted a fair bit has happened but a lot I can't talk about on the internet :/ Useful for blogging I know..
Anyway, I'll say what I can.. I imagine the party was good this weekend, many positive came out of it as far as I can tell :P Plus when all my friends are pissed at 5am and I'm at work, I don't mind so much all the random phone calls!
The door is still not fixed and tbh I don't think it will be in the foreseeable future, I haven't seen my boss yet and I'm avoiding her like the plague!
I went to the beach the yesterday, it was actually reall good, the weather was alright so got a bit of lying in the sun in :) then it pissed it down! So we retreated to the car but decided to run from the car into the sea for a quick swim anyway while it was raining. It was really nice and refreshing and spontaneous but my god was it cold!! The person I was with was in a 5mm steamer wetsuit and apparently she thought it "wasn't that bad" good for her! I was in shorts and a rash vest!! Trust me.. It WAS that bad :P
Very good day though anyway :) 
Yesterday morning, I went to BBC Newcastle Radio and recorded some stuff about being trans that was broadcast today. Honestly it was so scary!! It was all for the run up to pride and get a bit more recognition out there but still.. Scary shit..
I really didn't know that was how my voice sounded.. I dont know how I thought my voice sounded but that wasn't it!!

Insane day

I have no idea where to start so I appologise that this will be all jumbled up..
Ok, so sister's wedding.. Completely wasn't my intention but came out to most of my family then and everyone took it really well! Plus was a really good day :D All round good I would say! Was quite good as well for my parents to see other people take it so well :)
Came back to Newcastle to have my shifts changed and was covering someone else all week (why I've not been on here) and realised I miss people!! I was working surrounded by other people in normal 9-5hours on weekdays! I was even using my brain too.. So I've had enough with my normal job, I can't hack being alone for this long every day.. So I was looking for other jobs whilst at work on night shift (where I am now at the normal place) and then managed to do something that may well get me fired anyway! I accidentally smashed a door frame, and I know that sounds intentional but it was genuinely an accident!! So I need to find a way to explain that to my boss without getting a P45 shooting through the letter box! Although gives me a good reason to get my CV in order!!
Ok, so I'm sat here with a broken door, and part of the door frame has cut my hand.. and I realise I keep a screw driver with me! Bonus, fix the door frame, job done, noone will know.. But then I go and break my screw driver and in trying to fix my screw driver I need a screw driver.. but it is clearly broken. All in all today has been a bit of a disaster at work.
One of my best mates is having a house party tonight and a load of my friends are there. A few were saying I should just ring in sick and go to the party.. I really wish I had now!!But these things happen.. It was genuinely an accident and if they sack me for that.. then ill just have to get a new job fast.. Life goes on
It's a laugh or cry thing and I cant be arsed to cry over stuff like that so I'm laughing my head off! 
Also, in other good news, the forum has a chat thing that is actually damn good :D great to be able to talk to other people :) I'm enjoying this feature..
So really, although a lot of shit has happened today, I'm having a pretty good time lol Went to the pub with friends today for lunch :) was good to see people and catch up. Although it was well established that phones are taking over our lives as there were far too many moments when it was deadly silent and we were all playing on our phones.. I'm as guilty as anyone else for this (if not more so) but seriously.. It's going too far when you talk to the other person in the room on your phone lol

Set fire to the rain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iCqALQ0DAQ

Nearly the weekend!

My weekend starts at 7pm today! woooo! I'm excited! All I need to do tonight is rush home, pick up a few things, feed the kids and make sure they have enough water to last the 2 days that I'm leaving them and then shoot away bound for "home home" in Birmingham. Off to see my family for my sisters wedding tomorrow! 
My mum checked with me yesterday if I had everything I needed and she has been to get me a new pair of trousers :) basically I think she doesn't believe me when I say I haven't scuffed up the bottom of the smart pair I already own! I have a shirt, tie and jacket too which I'm quite excited about wearing!
I also got my mum to get me some "smuggling sweets" for the wedding.. basically pocket suitable quiet sweets, nothing that will melt/rustle/leak/go sticky.. Nothing beats good planning for a wedding!
My dad is giving my sister away (at the wedding not just in general :P) and whenever my dad does anything posh, he always wears his kilt (not for fun, we have Scottish ancestry) 
Well.. I was thinking, at some point I will need a kilt too, and all the other stuff too.. Fancy jacket and socks and all that. I will learn the names for all the stuff one day, I know most but can't spell for my life so "all that" will cover it for now! So yeah, anyway, I want to get all of that but I think that will be a long time down the line before my mum and dad are ok enough to respect me for wearing it rather than thinking it's weird and dis-respectful. Besides, it might be after surgery that I can then be a true Scotsman! haha
I don't really want to leave the kids but will be good to go home, and I'll be back on Sunday morning anyway. Sunday is a BBQ for the women's rugby team I used to play for, very excited about that :D Going to go for attempt no.2 at facial hair for it :D they're all really supportive so i figure if it all goes horribly wrong it's a safe environment for it :) I tend to think, and this is pure conjecture, that when I have applied stubble, regardless of how people know me and habit may play a small role but then people wont make mistakes with my name or pronouns as much.. 
Getting to a point where I know exactly who tries to do it right and who doesn't, I know it's harder for some than others but to be still having to correct yourself EVERY time means you're just not trying!! I'm sorry but it's just dis-respectful now. Most people have got it down though which is awesome :) It is so great to forget that I once wasn't Tom! To be consistently referred to as "he" :D love it

Sunshine and fun times

I realised when flicking through my own blog.. I don't actually blog when I'm happy! I think because I don't *need* to and I don't think about it.
So here I am! Happy!
Spent the day at work (boo) then to the driving range with a friend of mine then pizza :D
Was awesome, I had a really good time! 
I got a package today with some tools to create fake facial hair for myself.. It's actually really good! I've not perfected putting it on yet but when I do I think it'll look really realistic. One downside really, I don't know how to really get it off, I had a 10min dabble but have work tomorrow and it's late so didn't want to spend long doing it, then had to scrub my face, and I mean really scrub to get it off! At least I know it's sturdy! So I'm very happy about that too :D
It's the little things..
Also planning to go to Alton Towers with the FTM forum later this year which is something to really look forward to!
One of my friends got his deed poll signed and I am so happy for him! The jealousy is downright insane though! I rang my mum and told her and tentitively asked how she feels about my changing my name, seeing if anything had changed.. she passed on the question lol I don't blame her, I kind of threw it into another conversation! They'll come round eventually but I'm going to start pressing harder, name change is reversible! If it all goes tits up I can change it back (I wont but it's my main tactic to getting the parents approval)
So yeah smiles all round

And you thought I was done!

More to get out I'm afraid.. 
I rang the GP and my doctor rang me back, I have to change docs and she was very helpful gave me the details of another trans friendly doctor that works near my new place. I'm happy that I have an idea of where to go but like I said before, really gutted about leaving my current doc :(
Also made a stupid mistake. Very stupid. I have not changed my name legally so all my ID is on my old female name, this is annoying but never really been much of a problem. Until this idiot decides to buy things online using my chosen name, Tom. Normally not a problem, I love getting post in my chosen name! However, I live in an apartment block with tiny little mail boxes so my packages went back to the royal mail sorting office. With the recorded ones, you have to take ID to go get them.. Fucking genius.. Gonna have to go and possibly out myself but try and blag it to get my own mail..
On the plus side, my new local sorting office is open til 8pm on a Wednesday! I'm impressed! Means I can get it this week instead of waiting til next week like I would normally have to. Nice to end on a positive note!

Mornin'

Hey, so.. The last few days have been rocky to say the least :/ I can go from miserable to ecstatic and back withing about half an hour if the circumstances are right! Last night was the lowest I've felt for a long long time. I went to salsa and had an alright night, I wasn't getting the steps as well as I had hoped and did last week but I think I'll get them ok with a bit of practice at work lol. It was after salsa that things turned shit. We had to cut salsa short and didn't get to do the higher class, partially because I was struggling and getting annoyed but mainly because I had an obligation to go back and clean the old house (that I've moved out of, the tenancy agreement is up at the end of the month). 
So once I managed to pull myself away and I picked up bin bags on the way, I got to the old house to find one of my flat mates stressing out pretty big, the whole place was a sty and I mean completely disgusting! I'm glad that I spent hours before doing my room and the upstairs bathrooms because I could not face it last night. There were 3 of us there last night cleaning like maniacs really! I cleaned the most disgusting fridge I have ever seen, the smell alone was almost enough to make me sick! (Fabreeze in a fridge works wonders!) I think I was mostly pissed off because I felt like one of the few who had actually cleaned anything throughout the year and still I was there last night when some others weren't and in my honest opinion, definitely did NOT do their fair share! That was the first thing that really rattled me and then I find out that one of the girls just didn't fancy it, decided to stay at home in her new house instead of coming to clean. You think I wanted to be there?! I had a much better offer for things to be doing last night! An offer I wanted to take SO badly, I was so close to not going to clean and I do it because I want my deposit back, yeah a few of us did more than our share but it's about money! I wanted to stay away.. I really did.. That was what tipped it, the fact that I was sat cleaning and heaving at the smell in a house that I had already done my share of when other people couldn't be arsed to do anything and I could have been out dancing for longer and seeing people I care about and doing things I want to spend my time doing. 
I'm so damn short of time it angers me that I HAD to spend my time doing that because other people just didn't fancy it. My own friends have to book in to see me about a week in advance! Even more sometimes!! I'm not even joking! The only times I'm on my own these days is literally for sleeping and that's down to less than 4 hours a night now because I'm up late doing things I
want to do and up early for work. There aren't enough hours in the day!
I'm looking forward to this weekend but I fear it wont help matters. Driving to Birmingham after work tomorrow so that means another late night. Leaving Newcastle at 7pm means getting home around 11pm and I would like to see my family! Plus my car is getting worse and worse so I don't want to push it too hard. 
Then up at a decent time on Friday to see my gran and then go to the wedding. Back Friday night after the wedding, spending Saturday at home with my family (this is where I plan to chill out and rest a little) Then up Sunday morning, early, to get back to Morpeth for the BBQ then Monday get sky installed and do the million and one jobs I have to do with my last day off work and bang, all the holiday/weekend is gone and I'm back at work without much of a break. Awesome. :/
I just want to stop time and go to bed!!
The other thing that is stressing me out other than being knackered ans not being able to do what I want! Is that I'm still knocking around on a damn waiting list for the gender clinic! I really like my GP.. We get on well and I feel like she is very understanding. The only problem with that is that I have moved house, out of her catchment area! I'm really gutted, I plan to ring her today and ask if I can still stay under her care but I fear the answer will be to find a doctor near me :( boo! Not happy.
Sorry this was such a downer, just how I've been feeling last night really, hopefully if today gets better I'll post again and it should be a bit better!

Random

I'm feeling at least slightly happier today so hopefully this wont be as miserable as the last!
Yesterday was a decent enough day, didn't really do a great deal, came off night shift, slept then hung out with a mate most of the day! Played a bit of playstation, had a couple of beers, it was good.
Been on another small cleaning spree which is really not normally like me, but it's like I can't sit still, if I'm not doing anything else, I may as well be cleaning! Feeling very good about my flat though, keeping it very tidy and clean is now a small obsession but I figure it's a healthy one :)
Didn't sleep at all last night, mostly I think because of the heat, it was so warm in my room! Had a lot on my mind last night too :/ Managed to get most of it in order today though and I'm seeing my mum in 2days! SO excited! I'm driving down on Thursday after I finish work for my sisters wedding on Friday. If I'm honest (and I know it's horrible) I really don't care all that much about the wedding, I'm only going because I should, not because I want to. I am pretty happy about seeing my family though. My mum is slowly coming round to the fact I'm a man! She is well aware I'm wearing a shirt and tie to the wedding and keeps asking if I have everything I need. She asked if I was wearing a jacket and I said I was, she was ok with this, although I did tell her I planned to smuggle in sweets in said jacket! She keeps saying things as well that puts me outside of the group of "women" like "I wish it was that easy for women to find an outfit for weddings" so although she doesn't see me as a man yet, I think she is finding it ever more difficult to see me as a woman or, (better scenario) is trying hard to not see me as a woman anymore, or a mixture of the two. I'm not bothered why, I'm just happy! I love my parents so much, them making progress with me being trans really affects me.
Today I'm at work (boring) but after work have an action packed few hours! Got salsa straight after work then going to clean my old house for the last time so I can finally be free of it and sign it off as done! Salsa is going to be amazing, it gives me a proper confidence boost and makes me swagger :P I really love it. I know I've said before, I like the defined gender roles.. I think that's why it boosts me so much, feeling like a proper man :) Sucks it's on the same night that I need to be cleaning the old place but then I'm always doing something or other so things clash a lot. I cannot wait to be free of the old place.. one more night of hellish cleaning and a few (big) bills and it's gone! Then it's just new flat and only cleaning one place and paying for one place :D :D
Tbh, now I've thought things through, it's not so bad :) Just some rushing around tonight but I have caffeine and I'm prepared to use it!! 

Downer

I'm feeling really miserable so I can't imagine this post will be a happy one, I'll try lol
I'm getting ever more nervous about rugby to the point I'm considering backing out, I want to play so badly but at the same time, I like my limbs and can't face the rejection really. If I'm honest, it's all about the rejection..
I can't help but feel like the world is moving on without me, I feel so stuck in limbo. I really want to change my name and move forward but if anything it's like I'm moving back instead. 
I got up at 12 today (god knows why) after night shift last night and had an epic day of cleaning, managed to get the sticky shit off my windows using white spirit and deep cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, felt pretty good about having done it tbh. I like my flat, I like taking pride in it :)
I'm on night shift again tonight and I think the lack of sleep/caffeine could be whats making me down but my problem is that lack of sleep makes me down and me being down stops me sleeping :( Bad cycle.. 
I thought a little more about stuff in general.. Binding is becoming insanely painful so have stopped binding so much at work,  it's annoying because I don't feel comfortable emotionally without binding (outside the flat obviously) but can't stand to bind for 12 hour shifts anymore. Like I said before, I feel like I'm in limbo. 
Contemplated running away today, not seriously just for a few days to get back in touch with myself really. Been thinking about it for a few days, just pissing off, driving somewhere and pitching my tent. Turn the phone off and basically just cease to exist for a few days.. I hate performing for people, being happy because someone says I should be or to stop other people being uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Happier than I ever was as female that's for sure. It's like I've been given a taste of what could be but then never actually allowed to have it. It's really hard as well to see others move faster, with more accepting families or with worse families that they don't mind so much going against.
I love my family, and they love me, I can't complain, they only worry because they care but I can't help but feel like I'm being held back. I wish they would come on board a little. I have told work I will change my name in September and I really want to, I just have no idea how to approach this with my mum.. Argh I feel so messed up..
Sorry this is such a downer, just needed to get some stuff out.. 

Long time

I know it's been a long time.. I've been really wrapped up in my own life if I'm honest, not had the chance to stop and share, something night shifts are made for!


Download was AWESOME! I think for most o the time I passed alright, I know that the people I was camping with cottoned on pretty fast but tbh it was to be expected. I passed at urinals quite a bit too although serious pee shyness :/
The music was really good and got to see some of my favorites and also some I've never heard of :) I met a couple of girls while watching one of the bands and managed to hold a conversation for quite a while! I was impressed :P
I went to see my doctor about a shared care agreement to get my bloods done on the NHS but get the go ahead for T privately.. Turns out my PCT is having none of it because they already have a system in place, with a 9 month waiting list!! It's either all private or all NHS so unfortunately, looks like I'm waiting and going NHS unless a lottery win falls upon me (fingers crossed).
I got in touch with a rugby team and apparently I can train with them no problem but will have to look into the rules to see if I can play in matches or not. It's a men's gay team, I'm not gay but figure they'll be more accepting than any other team so I'm very excited about playing again! They chairman I spoke to has said that he wont out me unless I say so, I think I might ask him to purely because the team will know anyway from how physical rugby is and changing rooms etc.. Half of me is really bricking it to be honest, partly about not being accepted and partly that they will all be big burly men who will destroy me.. The other half is just pure excitement though so I'm a little torn to say the least!
The new flat is still amazing :D I find myself more and more just chilling out topless, there's something about sitting in the living room playing playstation in just boxers that feels so natural to me! (If seriously slobbish) I don't have to pretend to be anyone else when I'm in my flat :D
I went to the bank today to change my address over, the bank still have my official name (obviously) on records but I pass pretty well day to day so the guy was giving me proper funny looks when I confirmed for the third time that it was in fact my account! At least I'm passing though! I really want to change my name in September because that's when there's a bit of a shuffle round in work.. Need to confront my parents about it though :( not looking forward to that since they've been so good helping out with my car (it's in need of fixing and taxing) and my flat. 
I started salsa dancing earlier this week, been twice and it is shockingly good. I'm talking like, awesome. Build up a decent sweat as well! I think it's the fixed male and female roles that are very defined. I think I pass 100% at salsa, not even funny looks (except for my "different" style of dancing!) I think though by the end of the second lesson, I was really getting the hang of it! I have figured out so far that all the man's steps are based around what you want the woman to do, basically just pushing her around.. It's fun :) All sorts of people go from my age to like 60 lol and when dancing with the old women it's just nice and smiley and fun but with some of the younger ones.. They push themselves pretty close to you! I have been a gentleman though and kept my distance! I've been dancing with my ex and it's been really nice, good to connect again :)
I've found a way to beat the casino at roulette.. It would only work on online games not in an actual casino and it works beautifully on the "free play" section, the only problem is, I'm not sure if it's legal or if it's just damn clever.. I'll let you know if it is legal, onto a right little winner!
I'm done for now, no doubt I'll think of something else about 10 seconds after I post this.. I promise I wont wait as long to update! 

Download!

Hey, so the last few days have been non-eventful but still quite exciting :)
Moved into the new place properly and I've spent a few days there, it's so amazing to live on my own! I can walk around without binding and finally feel comfortable in my own home! Dysphoria isn't so bad because I can wear what I want and feel comfortable in my own body knowing I can walk around shirtless and no-one has a problem with it :D
It is really good to be there, it's all the little things that make the difference for me.. Wrapping my towel round my waist instead of my chest.. All these tiny factors are what are making me really happy there :) Also the fact that the place is LUSH! It's so lush I'm actually keeping it tidy! Making my bed and everything..
Download festival is this weekend so it's my last day at work today and I'm driving down to Birmingham tonight to stay over and pick up my sister for driving to download and setting up camp tomorrow. Staying there from Wednesday to Monday and then back at work on Tuesday.. I'm still a little worried about camping and binding and stuff. I just hope the people we are with are fairly understanding..
I'm still saving for maybe going to London and getting T privately.. Got like £80 in coppers now! Unfortunately I'm skint as hell so looks like this is being spent on petrol and food :/
I felt so good about saving it as well :( damn.. Unless anyone wants to lend my like £100 until payday? Please?

House

Hey, I know it's been too long.. My bad..
I have just this evening signed for a new house which is going to be LUSH! I cannot wait to move out on my own :) 
My dad came up and was very very generous and useful :) it's all good
I'm off to bed so will update properly later.. For now.. Things are very good with the house, hopefully get keys by the weekend. Everything else is pretty poo

New Place

Not a lot has happened over the last few days..
Been at work looking at houses to move into next month, found some really good ones too! :)
My parents have been really supportive and helpful so that's great, my dad is coming up to see me next week and look at houses for me because I'm stuck at work too much to actually go see anything myself. 
Started saving properly for if I decide to go private for T.. Something to look forward to at least..

Update

Been a little while since I posted so thought I'd give an update.
I've been hanging out a lot with another transguy and we get on really well :) We have a hamster cage building project on the go and I'm finding it really useful to be able to be open about random trans issues that other people don't understand.
Sunday - Did NOTHING.. Watched simpsons.. played playstation.. It was amazing to have a day off everything but it was horrible! Sundays suck for boredom! I had nothing to do, I have no idea how people live without work! I had plans to go to a BBQ but it was postponed due to bad weather.
Monday - Went to the metrocentre and got bought a build-a-bear bear (called JeremyBear) which was good fun. Then went walking out in the country.. Was nice but the weather was pretty crap with the wind being ridiculous. Although that meant that we could hold our jackets over our heads and almost get airborne! Was a good day anyway, to a point.
Information for anyone that cares. Me and my girlfriend have split up, it was amicable and we are still friends. Any more details than that really aren't anyone else's business so don't bother asking.

Rapture

I was thinking last night, if I died today.. The world would legally remember be as my birth name :(
So I have decided not to die until I legally change my name so my parents would have to recognize it. Just so you know, I have no intention of dying anytime in the next 60 years and plan on being a proper grandpa with a stick that shouts at the youth of the day, especially when trying to use public transport.
So, this whole "rapture" bull shit.. I can't understand why anyone believes it full stop, but especially from a guy who has said this so many times before and not got any of it right yet! He has been found to be and idiot on countless occasions and there are genuinely some people who believe at 6pm the rapture will occur.. Just so you know, apparently God is taking into account how inconvenient it would be for us if we were unsure of the time, so he is being considerate and will be following our modern time zones.. How nice..
Also, have you seen how this guy has worked it out to be today? It is simply a case of take any number, make it mean whatever you want and then add, multiply and subtract in any random way possible to make a number you're looking for! Lucky as well that the bible set it out to be worked out using modern numerical systems.. 
Ok, rant over, just thought it was ridiculous..
I'm at work again today but have tomorrow and monday off so be nice to chill out and sleep a bit :D
Been very stressed lately and I'm so looking forward to going to download with my sister!!! Apparently a few of her friends know about me and the rest, I will just intorduce myself as I please and either let them work it out for themselves or stay a bit stealth :D Excited much?! Very.. AND I get to see my sister who I don't see nearly enough.. And it'll be outside the usual boundaries of our parents so she can call me Tom and neither of us be worried about hurting our parents.. 
PLUS some awesome music! Man I'm excited!!!!!! woooooooooooo

Sleepy..

I'm on a bit of a downer today.. Still really happy with what happened with my boss, still not heard anymore about it.

I'm tired as hell :(

Had one of the lads round last night as well as my girlfriend, I made dinner.. Food is good :P

So I'm pretty happy with that, we all chilled out in the living room with a couple of my housemates and friends, all good. Was nice for my girlfriend to meet another transman and just nice for me to chill out too. Work is stressing me out thanks to there STILL being no water.

Went to blockbuster last night and realised just how many little things I'm going to have to change my name on. I think for things that don't matter so much (tesco clubcard, blockbuster etc.) I might just start new accounts and let the old ones be forgotten rather than try and change them. I have a full on plan of action for when I legally change my name.. I've got so much that I have my name on and never even thought about!

The obvious ones:

Passport, Drivers licence, Car registration, Insurance, Work, Banks

Less obvious:

Phone bills, Water bills, Gas & Electric bills, Tenancy agreement, Council (for voting), Tax office, Student loan, Tesco card, Nectar card, Blockbuster, Game card, Doctors, Dentists, TV Licence.. 

Can't think of any more right now, but I'm sure there will be. If I think of anything else, I'll add it on later. My brain is too tired to function just yet

Still on a high

I'm still feeling really good from yesterday :D Haven't heard any more from my boss but I didn't expect to yet, going to give her a few days to gather information.
This morning hasn't been great.. Started great, I had some really good dreams last night and woke up in a great mood, I always dream as a guy, whenever I see myself in my dreams I'm taller, more muscular and tend to have stubble lol. When I actually woke up though, at 3.43am, I was convinced I'd overslept so I panicked and stressed until I realised it was still sleep time and went straight back to sleep. Same thing at 4.10am.. Again at 4.52am.. Again at 5.15am when I just gave up and got up. I was really thrown by how light it was this morning. Then the usual issues with showering, it's getting worse. I feel like I hate being naked, when I'm dressed, even just in PJs, then I can imagine that I am in the right body and I almost forget that I'm not. I can't avoid it at all when I'm showering.. 
Spoke to another transguy a couple of days ago about getting the implant, I've had one in for the last 5 years (obviously had it replaced after 3) and I don't know what I'd do without it! I can't imagine having a horrible reminder every month. I've never really been able to deal with that :(
Been really good lately to have another guy to talk to about all the random stuff that you can't tell anyone else. Also just swapping hints and tips with each other and just stories too, it's been good.
A weird thing has been happening lately. Is it possible to increase your natural levels of testosterone by thinking about it? I know that sounds ridiculous.. But I have never been spotty at all and recently it's got crazy (for me at least). My appetite has increased even though I didn't think that was possible! All sorts of things are happening that just don't make sense but I think I'm doing it to myself with the power of thought. That or someone is injecting me in my sleep, if you are.. thank you :P
Wow.. I'm crazy, time to go I think!

More about work

After posting earlier, I touched up the letter I wrote and actually sent it to my boss. The next 5 hours or so were full of genuine panic. Literally 5 hours of pacing, sweating, regretting sending it, thinking about hacking into my works software to delete the email.. Every possibility went through my mind. I was convinced I was getting fired and even looked into how to start proceedings with court. Actually insane. 
So my boss replied about half an hour ago. I don't think I've sat down since! SO HAPPY!! 
It wasn't massively positive but more cautious on her part, which is understandable, probably has to look up protocol and laws etc.
She said, 
"*Old name*/Tom  this is something I would have to look into.  I do know people who have decided to use a different surname.  I believe as long as it's not to deceive it can be done.  I will look further into this and get back to you.  I do understand your wish to wait to be introduced at a different site when you choose to be known as Thomas James.  I will get back to you when I have more information."
I really appreciate that she is holding off moving me to a new site and is looking into stuff for me :D 
I'm so goddamn happy! Words cannot describe! It's like a WHOLE weight off my shoulders, I may have made it into a bigger deal in my head..
I am one step closer, I'm honestly buzzing. Beaming from ear to ear!
I had more to say in this post but I feel like this has taken over my brain and to be honest, I don't want to think about anything else right now anyway! 
Hope everyone else is having a day as AWESOME as mine is now!

Work

Today is actually an interesting day at work! I think it's the first ever.

The water has been shut off to my building so I'm dealing with that, all fun and games.

I spoke to my boss this morning about the water thing to keep her informed but she said that she plans to move me to a new permentant site next week. Although this is AWESOME with a proper work rota so I know when I'm working more than a week in advance.. I'm a little worried about starting a new site with new clients as female and having to come out to everyone later. I figure this is the kick up the bum I need to tell my boss about my transition. I have written an email but not sent it yet essentially saying whats going on and that I would like to be introduced as male on the new site and if that means delaying my move to the new site, I'm ok with that. Also asked her about things like my SIA licence and also uniform as I currently have to wear womens :(

I sent my mum the link to this blog yesterday (hi if you're reading this :) ) which was scary.. I get very worried about trying to bring up this topic of conversation because I know it upsets both my parents and I hate upsetting them. My mum said to me this morning that she started reading it but felt like she was imposing and that she felt like she was reading my diary. My family have always been very good with privacy so I can understand where my mum is coming from with that.  I am aware that everything I write goes on the internet so is public so I do not write about anything that I don't want people to know about. I think my mum is beginning to see how serious I am about this but I have to learn to be more patient and give her time. It's hard to remember that they have only had a few months to think about this where as I have been wrestling with it for years. 

It is my grans birthday today so I rang her this morning, she is completely unaware of my transition and that is the way that will stay. I have no intention of worrying my gran with this. When I rang it was SO difficult to say my old name though, I find that because I see myself as Tom and use my chosen name so much more than my birth name, I forget to change back when talking to family. I managed though without mistake which saved some awkward questions! 

My sister and I are going to download this summer :D and she is trying very hard to call me Tom and refer to me as male so I appreciate the effort from her and so looking forward to going away with her and have some bonding time. I feel like I miss out on a lot living 200miles away from my family. 

Anyway.. That is my morning so far, shocking how much can happen if you wake up at 5.30am :P

Mental couple of days

Ok, I haven't blogged for a while but I've been too busy/knackered. (sorry!)
Nothing exciting happened until Friday when I had people round and made lots of plans, sorry for how vague that is but it took hours and was quite enjoyable so it needs to be said. 
Saturday morning I went to the Metro Centre and shopped like a beast, bought loads of clothes and feel more confident than ever. I think I've found my style :D basically shirt and jeans, I love shirts, I think they make it easier to pass but mainly just make me feel and look good :). Passed all over the place while shopping :) I don't even think about it as much as before!
In the afternoon, I spent time with my amazing girlfriend before rushing round like headless chickens trying to get ready for the ball in the evening. The ball was pretty good, my old friends who had graduated and moved away came back to Newcastle and was great to see them, they all accepted the change and called me by my chosen name with the right pronouns, very few mistakes actually which was really good! Some of the other people at the ball were staring and I could tell I was being spoken (bitched) about but ti be honest, it's expected and doesn't really bother me that much. I don't associate with them and I don't care what they think. 
Sunday was pretty damn good too! Did some more clothes shopping with the mrs and got more shirts. Had quite a nice lazy day other than that, was feeling pretty run down from the excitement and worry of the night before. 
On Monday morning, I went to see my GP who is awesome, really helpful. I really only went for a general check up to keep each other updated about stuff. I spoke about the ridiculous waiting list for the GIC and said I'm thinking about going privately to get hormones. Asked her about a shared care agreement and if the guy in London said I was allowed T then could she do the bloods and prescribe etc so I don't have to pay too much. She said she will get in touch with Dr. Curtis and Dr. Lorimer and find out what the crack is. My doc said she was happy to do it and the only thing it would depend on would be follow up help from the docs in London, for example when she does blood tests, what is she looking for and how it affects the dose I should be on. Basically, it's looking very promising on that front! Still waiting for my parents to get a bit more used to the idea of it so I can change my name officially and tell work. I feel like I'm in limbo the more I wait to get it sorted.
After seeing the doc, my girlfriend and I went into town and it was really good, pretty sure I was passing a lot then too, I still get the odd funny look of "I don't know what you are.." These looks make me laugh, like the person in a random shop needs to know my gender to serve me!! Still the looks are getting rarer. I think having my stunning girlfriend on my arm helps :P
That afternoon I took my best friends to the airport, did you know, if you just drop someone off at an airport and I mean literally.. Drive in.. Chuck out.. Drive off.. You have to pay?!?! It was a whole pound!! Rip off. other than that, nothing excited at the airport lol.
Yesterday evening was a TT meeting. Good to see people and chat about stuff that no-one else understands. Then curry and bed :D
Today is back to work and back to the boring life I tend to lead instead of the excitement of the last few days. 

Boring

Another boring day really.
If there was ever any doubts about me being male, they've completely disappeared since I do not understand women. Not even a little. I'm not about to put up information about my relationship on the internet so all I'm going to say is I am one confused as hell guy. 
I'm still feeling seriously ill but couldn't face ringing in sick again so I'm back at work.. 
Today I've just wanted to run away, leave everything. Forget about everything and everyone, just leave and not come back. Would make everything so much easier for everyone else. Feeling sorry for myself is clearly the way forward today. I give up

ILL!

Well today I have bee massively ill.. I've slept ALL day and still feel rubbish. 

Yesterday was the rugby match and it went really well. Most people already knew, noone seemed to have any problems with accepting me and quite a few people tried really hard to call me by my chosen name and it was really nice. :D One girl even said I was a "proper gentleman" :D Awesome!

Anyway, I'm too  ill to remember other things that have happened. Going back to bed 

Night

Not a lot..

So really nothing has happened lately.. Been at work (as per) and not had a lot go on..
Last night was just a chill out night with nothing special lol.


Wrote birthday cards to my mum and gran today (the birthdays are later this month but I'm organised :P) signed them off with my birth name to keep the peace really, it's their birthdays so no need to add stress to them on their days. 


Got a rugby match tomorrow, possibly the last one ever.. It's "old girls" where people who used to play for my old uni team go back and play against the current team. I'm seriously worried about how people are going to take it. I know most of the current team know about me but a lot of the old girls I don't talk to so have no idea. I don't want the hassle of breaking it to them but want them to know. I'm thinking about arriving fashionably late so all the questions/discussions/bitching can be over with before I have to turn up. I want to play and I'm excited to see everyone, just worried lol. I've said if anyone has a problem with me playing then I wont and it's fine. 


Anyway.. Got stuff coming up but nothing happened recently really..

Tired..

I'm at work.. for a change and I am absolutely knackered! Don't know why, I got a good nights sleep last night. I think I just have a backlog of tiredness to sleep out, one night wont do it lol


Got mixed rugby touch tonight but don't think I'll be able to go, with it being 30miles away and starting before I finish work, I'd be late even on a good day but I want to go and vote after work.


No real news on anything trans today, I got holiday from work to go to Download festival (AWESOME) so been thinking about the logistics around camping with thousands of other people.. I've not been able to use a urinal in front of people yet, I don't have an STP packer but do have an STP.. I'm hoping that in the month I have left I can build up a bit of bladder confidence lol 


Sorry if that's a bit too much info :/


Work is ridiculously boring but I'm busy doing plenty of other things! Trying to fix an ipod and failing, I've replaced the battery and at least I get a picture on the screen but it doesn't want to charge and the only picture I can get up is a dead battery screen :(


Anyway.. best get back to the million things I have to do today

Progress

Today has been another up and down day. I spoke to my mum a lot today, my sister is getting married soon and we were discussing what I will be wearing. My mum was very supportive of me wearing a shirt and tie which is nice and even helped me internet shop over the phone :) Definite progress! I wish she could try and call me by my chosen name but I understand that it's still to hard for her. She called me my birth name but with a hesitation so I'll take that for now! lol

I saw some really nice shirts and can't wait to get paid to go and bulk out my wardrobe a bit more. I need to have a big sort out of my clothes and room soon I think. Get rid of all my old stuff :)

Spoke to my boss today, not about being trans, she still doesn't know, but about my new contract coming through! Can't wait, once I'm actually contracted I will have a bit more job security for when I do tell her. My boss is looking to move me to a new building and I think that would be the perfect time to start fresh as Tom. All I have to do is get my boss to understand :/

Sorry if this is a bit scattered, I've forgotten loads I wanted to say but I'm currently trying to contain 3 very over-excited hamsters :/ 

Back to work

Today is one of those wonderful days when my alarm went off and I just din't believe it. When you wake up and just think, "No.. Thats not right.. It's still sleep time!" So the working week is upon me again and I'm genuinely unimpressed lol. 


Yesterday was a weird day, I was very unsettled, couldn't sit still and something inside me snapped which induced a giant cleaning session. I think that was just because I'd had a whole two days off and didn't really know what to do with myself. We didn't end up camping over the weekend but had a good time anyway then came back to the comfort of an actual real bed! 


I had a bit of a moral conflict yesterday due to the death of Osama Bin Laden. The way I've managed to rationalize it so far is that while I am very happy that the leader and figure head of a terrorist organization has been removed from power, it doesn't sit right with me to "celebrate" the death of another man, regardless of how evil that man was. I am glad that America have (supposedly) respected his religion and buried him within 24 hours of his death. Other people have said that it was wrong and they should have kept his body for identity checks. As long as they have taken enough DNA and pictures etc then I think conforming with religion was a very good idea. To deny a man his religion, even in death is a breach of human rights. We are condemning this man for taking away thousands of people's human rights, the right to live and also the right to live without fear. To deny him his last rights of burial would be dropping to his level. It is my opinion that the world is not a "safer place" as some politicians have been saying, I imagine there will be quite a large retaliation. You can't expect to shoot the figure head of a violent organization without back lash. Ok, I'm done with politics now!


I tried Lebanese food for the first time last night, turns out I'm really not a big fan. :/ 


I'm quite looking forward to going home tonight, my girlfriend is staying at mine while I'm at work and I'm excited to see her as soon as I get in :) It's going to be lush :D

Today is a good day

Last night/today has been.. interesting..


Last night I met my girlfriends cousin (14yr old boy) and he didn't know anything about my past. When he overheard my girlfriend chatting about me going to London to get hormones, he instantly asked why and my girlfriend very cleverly said that I'm just a guy that doesn't produce enough testosterone. This is true and a very good way to look at it really :D. When I met him, he completely read me as male and I saw him all today with no problems at all! It's great to not have to worry about it and just be known as male from the start.


I went to a BBQ today that was at a rugby 7's tournament, it was with my old rugby team who are all very supportive (the ones that were there today are at least!). So being referred to with the right pronouns and called the right name feels so right. There were a couple of slip ups but very easily smoothed over and no one really noticed :D


So no mishaps at all really over the last couple of days. I met a few people for the first time today and they didn't even look twice before just reading me as male straight off.


I think the day was so good as well though because of the sun! Everything seems so much better when the weather is good! 


So basically, today has been awesome and really relaxing. Plus I have tomorrow off too! :D

Money..

OK, having thought a lot today about going private for T and not making a set in stone decision, I figured if i start saving up then I will have the choice later on, instead of deciding for sure then having to wait to save.


I've gone on a mad saving spree, I've cancelled a load of direct debits for things I don't use/need such as phone insurance, also just changed my car insurance so other than this month (the epic initial payment) I'll be saving money with that now too. 
I reckon I will be saving £50-£100 a month!! Insane.. 


I read a few things today about T's bad side effects and how it's made worse by smoking. So for that and again the money, I'm cutting down/quitting! I feel really good about all this, I think it's just because I feel like I'm in control and I'm working towards getting T. 


Still having a stressful day thanks to the lack of caffeine but I'm battling on! It's not too bad, last day before a couple of days off :D :D Looking forward to seeing my girlfriend tonight and spending the rest of the weekend camping with her :D She is so supportive and treats me as male 100% of the time :) Perfect.. :D

Day Without Caffeine

It's only about 7am and I am already struggling without caffeine! If you know me, you'll know that I am seriously addicted to it so today will be a challenge to say the least. 

Normal start to the day with me getting to work at around 6am. I forgot how much I dislike working Saturdays but at least I have Sunday and Monday off :D

I plan to see my girlfriend later tonight, possibly make her some dinner :). I've recently got on quite well with cooking, even to the point of enjoying it! I think I just like making things and I definitely like food so it's really a double hit! :P

Thought a bit more last night about going private to get testosterone. It's becoming more and more of an option the more I think about it. In terms of time scales, going private really does put it up to me, not waiting for the NHS. I definitely want to have changed my name and have everything in my chosen name before I start ringing up for appointments etc. I want it to all be in my chosen name so there's no confusion or excuse to say I'm not committed. I know you have had to have your name changed for 3 months before they prescribe hormones (I know there are other stipulations too) the bit that confuses me is: do you have to have your name changed 3 months before your first appointment or before your second one (3 months later)? Hmm..

Either way, I want to officially change my name as soon as possible, having some definite struggles with the parents on this though. I don't want to do it without them as I love and respect them but equally, I find it hard to get them to talk to me about it. I want this more than anything and just wish my parents would understand a bit more. I certainly do not want a "well I did it, so just accept it" situation but it looks like the option I have right now.

In terms of coming out, I still haven't come out to my work :/ I really don't know how they will take it and and genuinely worried about it. I figure though, if the worst happens and they find an excuse to fire me, I can just get a new job. Not easy but possible.. All of my friends know and my close family knows. I'm not sure what to do about the extended family, I have a wedding to go to later this year and it's generally accepted that I wear a suit instead of a dress or skirt so I'm not bothered about what I wear but being called my old name and female pronouns just feels like a step backwards. 

No doubt I'll update again later today..

First One!

Hello!
Right, so this is the first of hopefully many posts, I have no idea where this is going to go or what I'm going to end up saying..
My name is Tom (or TJ) and I'm a 22year old transman. I work as a security guard so have a lot of free time on my hands at work!

Today has been a day of ups and downs, was quite stressed this morning and hit a pigeon on my way to work :(
After being stressed out for a while I managed to calm down whilst streaming the royal wedding to my laptop at work (I'm a little annoyed I got so swept up in it but I am a royalist after all!).
This afternoon, I started looking into maybe getting testosterone through private doctors instead of NHS. After spending a good few hours looking into it, I think it's actually worth while! Even taking into account taking holiday from work and travel costs to get to London. I don't like the idea of having to wait potentially 9months until my first appointment with the GIC in Sunderland.
I have a lot to sort out before I actually start this process but thinking about it now gives me something to look forward to.

Anyway.. For now, I think thats all..